9 Ways You Know You Are At A Louisiana Wedding

by FatTony | Mar 31, 2009 |

I took a quick trip to Louisiana this weekend for Terry Adams’ wedding. While I was born and raised in Louisiana, I have been living in California for almost three years now so going back down South makes me realize things I never really paid attention to before.

Here are, in no particular order, some observations from Terry’s big day and nine ways you know you are at a Louisiana wedding?

People Wearing Saints Hats
Even though the New Orleans Saints have been a notoriously terrible football team for as long as I can remember, people in Louisiana still have a strong loyalty to them?even at weddings.

Strokin’ Gets The Biggest Reaction
If you have ever been to a social function in the South you know exactly who Clarence Carter is. And you know that when you hear Mr. Carter sing that chorus of “I be strokin’ to the East, I be strokin’ to the West?” that the crowd goes absolutely berserk.

The Groom Does Backflips
Get a drink or two into Terry Adams and clothes start coming off and wild dance moves start emitting from his body. I wondered if his wedding would be any different?it wasn’t. Before the end of the night Terry and Scott O’Brien were doing over-under doubles routines on the dance floor and Terry did more than one standing backflip. Maybe one day we’ll see Terry do a “body varial” type backflip on his bike and land into a hitchhiker or something.

Girls Dance With No Shoes
Whether you are at a high school dance or a wedding, if you are in the South, you can bet that half the females in attendance will not have shoes on. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s just gross. When I think about the floor we walk on, everything resorts back to poo. Hear me out on this one? The soles of your shoes touch the ground everywhere you go. You are bound to step in dog crap at some point?directly or indirectly. Then you walk inside the wedding reception hall. Then a girl with no shoes dances on the same floor where you just stepped. So she now has dog poo particles on her feet. Yuck, man. This is the same reason why I never eat anything that has fallen on the floor?five second rule or not.

By The End Of The Night, The Place Is Flooded Like Katrina
“Louisiana” and “rain” are synonymous in my mind so to have an outdoor wedding is verging on insanity. However, people still do it and Terry and Vanessa were willing to take their chances. Mother nature held out just enough for them to kiss and get inside before it started pouring. The outdoor ceremony wasn’t as picturesque as they had originally hoped?at one point Scott O’Brien was holding an umbrella above the couple’s head. During the reception it poured for hours. By the time we left, the entire area we were sitting in during the ceremony resembled a lake. You could see about half of the bench backs peeking out of the water, gasping for air.

Someone Refers To Himself As “Paran”
In Louisiana, a child’s Godfather is often called the “Paran” (with a French accent). When I heard a guy refer to himself as Vanessa’s Paran I knew exactly what state of the Union I was in.

Two Or More Types Of Seafood Are On The Menu
I’m not talking about those cheesy, bland cocktail shrimp you find at other places?things like shrimp pasta, spicy seasoned fish, crab cakes, crawfish étouffée, and so on. If there are more than two of the above dishes on the menu, you may just be at a Louisiana wedding.

The Oldest Guy In Attendance Does A Somersault
One of the oldest guys at Terry’s wedding, Vanessa’s Paran actually, got down and did a few break dancing moves just after Strokin’ was finished. This was wildly entertaining, but not nearly as crazy as an even older guy getting down and doing a full backwards somersault in the middle of the dance floor.

Everyone Says Y’all
I notice this more and more each time I go to the South now. I suppose I used to say it, but now that I’m not around it much, every time I hear someone say “y’all” it sticks out like Spinner riding trails with Aitken. Phrases heard throughout the weekend include:
“Y’all have a good trip.”
“Can I have y’alls attention?”
“Y’all get up here to catch this garter.” (I caught it, by the way.)
“What would y’all like to drink?”
“Does this annoy the ever-living shit out of y’all too?”

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